#i hate how fucking small this makes me feel

[rosemariiaa]

02 sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅ ᴄʜᴀɴᴄᴇs, ғɪʀsᴛ ᴄʀᴜsʜᴇs

𐙚—pairing: Paige x Azzi

𐙚—rosie’s note:i have nothing to say but enjoy this long and sad ass flashback and yeah..pls don’t humor me! live reacts are very much wanted and needed!! also wanted to say tysmmm for 700+ followers, i love evb soo much and ty for being here! happy reading lovelies 💌

𐙚—links: rosie’s bookshelf, series masterlist , prologue

𐙚—themes: au (time travel), angst, fluff (if you squint), hurt/comfort, mentions of depression

𐙚—taglist: @thaatdigitaldiary @ohbueckers @makethemhoesmad @imaginespazzi @sierrale8ne @bueckersbitch @xxloveralways14 @kmoneymartini @lupinqs @pboogerswbb @pbaz7 @guesswhoitsn @patri-ots87 @ashortyluvsports @absolutelydreadful @pazzilover101

enjoy!!!

Storrs, Connecticut 2021

It started a few weeks after Azzi and Paige made their “agreement”. That’s what Azzi called it in her head—a way to convince herself it was something mutual, something they both wanted. In reality, it was her idea. She was the one who said, “We can’t keep doing this,” and Paige had gone along with it, like she always did.

Azzi thought it would be better this way, safer. If they stayed just friends, they couldn’t hurt each other. But watching Paige move on, watching her live out this version of their lives that Azzi thought she wanted—God, it was killing her.

The first time Paige mentioned Leana, Azzi didn’t think much of it. Paige always had a way of making friends quickly, effortlessly. But then Leana started showing up, a lot. At the end of practice. At team dinners. At their apartment.

Paige introduced her to the team a few days after their conversation, her arm slung around Leana’s shoulders like it was nothing. Like it wasn’t the same way she used to hold Azzi. And Leana? She was perfect. Nice. Pretty. Confident in a way that made Azzi’s stomach churn with jealousy? No, Azzi never really got jealous when Paige would be with other girls. Especially because they would only last a day or a few hours, but Leana would not stop showing up.

So, it was definitely not jealousy. Hatred.

Azzi hated her. She hated how she laughed at Paige’s jokes, how she touched Paige’s arm all the time like it was it was gonna grow legs and run away if she didn’t, how Paige seemed to shine a little brighter whenever Leana was around.

She hated how much she wanted Leana to be awful. Selfish. Mean. Anything that would give Paige a reason to leave her, to come back to Azzi. So Azzi could hold her and comfort her, the way she always used to. But that wasn’t going to happen. Leana wasn’t a bad person, and Paige didn’t need Azzi anymore.

Fuck. What did I do?

Azzi tried to convince herself she was fine. That she didn’t care. That this was what she wanted. Right?

But then, tonight, she saw them in the dining hall. Paige was leaning against the table, laughing at something Leana had said, her head tilted back, blonde waves brushing her back. She looked happy. Free.

And then Paige’s hand went to the small of Leana’s back.

Azzi froze.

Her breath caught in her chest, her heart pounding in her ears. That was her spot. Paige used to do that to her all the time—those small, familiar touches that felt like secrets only they shared. And now Paige was doing it to someone else.

She would never do that to Azzi again.

The realization hit her like a punch to the gut, and for a moment, she thought she might be sick. She thought her heart had already broken, but somehow, it found a new way to break.

Because even though Azzi was the one who asked for this—even though she was the one who insisted they be just friends—watching Paige with someone else made her realize just how wrong she’d been.

She turned away before they could see her, her fists clenched at her sides as she hurried out of the dining hall. Her vision blurred, hot tears slipping down her cheeks before she could stop them.

This was what she wanted.

This was what she’d asked for.

So why did it feel like this?

Azzi wiped at her face, angry at herself for crying. She couldn’t help but think about the agreement again, how it all started.

She could still see Paige’s expression that night, the way her brows furrowed, her lips pulling into a small frown as she listened to Azzi stumble through her words.

few weeks earlier..

Paige sat down beside her, resting her elbows on her knees. “We need to talk.”

Azzi’s shoulders tensed, but she closed her laptop and turned to face Paige. “About what?”

“About why you’ve been avoiding me,” Paige said bluntly.

Azzi’s lips parted, but she hesitated. “I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Az,” Paige said softly, giving her a pointed look.

Azzi sighed, leaning back against the couch. “I just… I needed space. To figure things out.”

“Figure what out?” Paige asked, her voice steady but laced with concern.

Azzi stared at her hands, fidgeting with the hem of her sweatshirt. “Paige, I can’t keep doing this. We said we’d be friends, and then I end up in your room, in your bed… It’s confusing.”

Paige leaned closer, her brows furrowed. “You just wanted to sleep and it’s not confusing to me. I know how I feel about you, Az.”

Azzi shook her head quickly, cutting her off. “That’s the problem. I don’t think I know how to stop letting this happen. And I don’t trust myself not to hurt you or get hurt again.”

Paige’s jaw tightened, her voice dropping. “So, what? You’re scared, so you’re just gonna shut me out? We’ve been through too much for that.”

“I’m not shutting you out,” Azzi said, her voice rising slightly. “I’m trying to protect us. You and me. If we keep crossing these lines, it’s only gonna end the same way it did before.”

Paige exhaled sharply, dragging a hand down her face. “You’re making this harder than it has to be. I get it, Az. I do. But I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I don’t want more.”

Azzi’s eyes softened, but she looked away. “And what happens when it gets messy again, Paige? What happens when we mess this up? I can’t lose you completely.”

Paige’s voice was quiet but firm. “You’re not gonna lose me.”

Azzi didn’t respond, her silence weighing heavy in the room.

Paige hesitated before speaking again. “So, what does this mean? Do I still get my goodnight kiss, or is that part of the deal over too?”

Azzi’s eyes shot to Paige, her cheeks flushing. “Paige…”

“What?” Paige said, trying to keep her tone light despite the tension. “I’m just asking.”

Azzi sighed, her lips curving into a reluctant smile. “Yes, you still get your goodnight kiss. But just… don’t make it a thing, okay?”

Paige grinned. “No promises.”

Azzi rolled her eyes, but her smile lingered as she stood up. “I’m going to bed.”

“Hold up,” Paige said, standing too. She leaned down slightly, her voice soft. “Goodnight, Az.”

Azzi hesitated, then stepped closer, pressing a quick kiss to both of Paige’s cheeks. “Goodnight, Paige.”

As she walked away, Paige watched her go, her heart heavy but hopeful. This wasn’t what she wanted, not entirely. But it was something. And for now, that was enough.

present day

Azzi knew she was fucked the moment she made the decision. She knew she was fucked when Paige agreed. She knew she was fucked when she realized Paige could talk to, kiss, and hold any girl she wanted now.

Because they were just friends.

And Azzi was completely, utterly fucked.

—

The past weeks have been hell. It was like she was going through the stages of “grief” or whatever. That’s how Azzi thought of it, at least. How else could she explain the sinking pit in her chest every time Paige and Leana walked into a room together? Or the way her throat tightened when she saw Paige’s hand on Leana’s ass or her arm thrown over Leana’s shoulder, her smile too wide, her laugh too loud? Seems fake to me. She thought.

The team noticed it, of course. How could they not?

Azzi’s energy had shifted. She was way quieter, more withdrawn during practice. When Leana was around, her answers became clipped, her eyes glued to the floor like she couldn’t bear to look at anyone. It didn’t help that Leana fit in so well. The team adored her.

KK had asked her once, “Az, you good?” when they were running laps.

“I’m fine,” she’d lied, her voice sharp enough to end the conversation. But KK’s look lingered, filled with concern Azzi refused to acknowledge.

She wasn’t fine. Not even close.

First stage: Denial

Azzi told herself this was temporary. It had to be.

Paige didn’t really like Leana, not like that. It was just something new, something casual to pass the time. Paige didn’t do relationships, not seriously, and this one wouldn’t last either.

Azzi clung to that thought like a lifeline.

But then Paige started bringing Leana to team dinners. She started showing up with her at practice, standing too close, laughing too hard. And when Azzi saw them together, her chest tightened like someone was physically squeezing the air out of her lungs.

One night, she sat on the couch in Caroline’s apartment, her hands gripping a throw pillow as if she could crush the ache out of her chest.

“I keep telling myself it’s nothing,” she admitted, her voice trembling. “That she’ll get bored and come back. But what if she doesn’t, Carol? What if—” Her voice cracked, and the words wouldn’t come.

Caroline pulled her into a hug, her voice soft and steady. “I’m sorry, Az. I know this sucks. But you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

Azzi didn’t reply. Because what was she supposed to say? That she didn’t know how to stop?

Second stage: Anger

The denial didn’t last. It couldn’t—not when Paige started bringing Leana to their apartment.

Azzi walked in one day after practice to find Leana sitting on the couch, Paige sprawled next to her, both of them laughing at something on Leana’s phone. Paige looked up, her face lighting up when she saw Azzi.

“Oh hey, Az. You hungry? We’re ordering sushi.”

We. Azzi hated the word.

She dropped her bag by the door, her jaw tight as she muttered, “I’m good,” before disappearing into her room.

That night, she slammed her bedroom door harder than necessary, her chest heaving with an anger she couldn’t contain.

Paige was supposed to be hers. She didn’t care how selfish it sounded—she didn’t want to share Paige with anyone else. Especially not Leana.

Third stage: Bargaining

Azzi started picking apart every moment she’d shared with Paige, searching for something she could’ve done differently.

Maybe if she hadn’t been so stubborn about staying “just friends.” Maybe if she’d let herself fall the way she wanted to—completely, unapologetically. Maybe Paige would’ve stayed.

She confided in Caroline again one night, her voice barely above a whisper as she lay curled up on the couch.

“What if I just tell her?” she asked, her hands twisting the hem of her hoodie. “What if I tell her I messed up, that I want her back?”

Caroline gave her a look that was equal parts sympathy and concern. “Az, you’re the one who pushed her away. Do you think telling her now is going to change anything? She’s with Leana.”

Azzi’s stomach sank at the words, but she couldn’t let go of the thought. What if Paige still loved her? What if there was a chance, no matter how small?

When Caroline finally left, Azzi retreated to her bedroom, unable to escape the weight of her emotions. Her eyes landed on the photo frame on her nightstand—the picture of her and Paige after their U16 gold medal win. Paige’s smile in the photo was the kind that made Azzi’s chest ache, bright and unguarded, as if she’d never known heartbreak.

It had become a nightly ritual, one that Azzi couldn’t bring herself to stop. She picked up the frame, her fingers trembling as she brushed over the glass. “I’m sorry, P,” she whispered, her voice cracking. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

She pressed her lips to the corner of Paige’s smile in the photo, just like she used to do before bed. It was their tradition—their goodnight kiss. Only now, it was one-sided. A ghost of a memory that haunted her.

“Goodnight,” she murmured, her lips still resting against the glass. “Sweet dreams, P.”

Azzi set the frame back down and collapsed onto her bed, clutching the pillow to her chest. Maybe if I hadn’t been scared. Maybe if I just told her now…

Her mind raced with impossible scenarios, rewinding and replaying their history, searching for the moment she could fix, the word she could take back, the step she could retrace.

But in the end, she was left clutching nothing but a pillow and a memory, her tears soaking into the fabric.

Fourth stage: Depression

The hope didn’t last.

It was gone the night Azzi walked into the gym to find Paige and Leana standing by the bleachers. Paige’s hand was on Leana’s waist, positioning her towards the basket, Azzi felt her heart crack open all over again.

She barely made it through practice, her movements sluggish, her mind a blur. By the time she got home, she was shaking, tears streaming down her face as she stumbled into her bedroom.

Caroline found her an hour later, curled up on the floor, her chest heaving with silent sobs.

“I can’t do this,” Azzi whispered, her voice broken. “I can’t—she’s everywhere, Care. And I can’t—” She gasped for air, her words dissolving into another sob.

Caroline sat beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Az, you don’t have to go through this alone. I’m here, okay? Whatever you need.”

Azzi nodded, but the ache in her chest didn’t fade.

She thought about their first kiss. On the dock, at the lake house of Azzi’s grandparents, the way Paige’s lips had been so soft, so sure.

Would Paige still think about it?

Would she remember the way they’d laughed afterward, giddy and breathless, as if the world had suddenly cracked open and spilled all its light into their lives?

Azzi closed her eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks.

Will I still cross your mind in a year, Paige? she wondered, her heart aching. Will you miss us, even for a second?

Because Azzi did. She missed Paige every day, every second of every day. She missed the way they fit together, like two halves of a whole, and the way Paige used to make her feel seen, like she was the only person in the world who mattered.

I miss you, she thought, her chest heaving with the weight of it. I miss us.

But Paige was with Leana now, and Azzi was just a ghost in her life—a shadow of what they used to be.

And no matter how much she wanted to believe otherwise, she couldn’t shake the feeling that Paige had already moved on.

Stage 5: Acceptance? No. The lack of Acceptance

No matter how hard she tried, Azzi couldn’t let go.

She couldn’t stop thinking about the way Paige used to look at her, like she was the only person in the room. She couldn’t stop replaying their last kiss in her mind—the warmth of Paige’s lips, the way she’d whispered, “Just friends,” like it was a promise they could keep.

But they couldn’t.

And Azzi couldn’t accept it. She couldn’t accept that Paige was gone, that she’d moved on, that the life they’d imagined together was slipping further out of reach with every passing day.

She wanted to scream, to cry, to do anything that might ease the crushing weight on her chest. But all she could do was sit in her room, staring at the wall, as the realization settled in:

She wasn’t grieving Paige. She was grieving herself—the part of her that had believed in them, the part of her that had loved Paige so fiercely it burned.

And now, all she had left were the ashes.

—

Paige didn’t like Leana.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. She liked her well enough to talk to her, to hang out with her when the apartment felt too quiet, too empty, too suffocating without Azzi. But when it came to everything else—when it came to the little things—Paige didn’t like her at all.

She didn’t like that Leana couldn’t cook. It wasn’t like Azzi was an all-star chef or anything—Azzi could barely cook either—but it was different. It was Azzi. At least Azzi could make scrambled eggs. And those nasty green smoothies she used to force Paige to drink after workouts? Yeah, Paige hated them, but she never really hated them because they were from Azzi.

Leana couldn’t even make toast without burning it.

Paige didn’t like how Leana was so touchy-feely all the time. It was suffocating. She hated how Leana’s hands always found her waist or her shoulders, how her arms would wrap around Paige’s neck, clinging like a vine. Paige was supposed to be the clingy one. She was the one who used to jump into Azzi’s arms after practice, planting kisses all over her face or pulling her into hugs just because she felt like it.

And Azzi? She didn’t need to be all over Paige all the time. Sometimes, Azzi would just sit next to her, quiet and comfortable, letting Paige know she was there without saying a word. Paige loved that. She loved being in Azzi’s presence. It was Azzi, after all. Who wouldn’t want to just exist beside her?

But with Leana? God, sometimes Paige wanted to yell, “Can you just get the fuck away from me already?”

Leana’s hair? Always slick, stick-straight, and perfect. Paige hated it. She missed Azzi’s hair—how she’d wear it in curls or braids, switching it up depending on her mood. Paige loved running her hands through Azzi’s curls, loved how soft they felt and how they smelled like flowers.

Leana always smelled like strawberries. Safe to say Paige never had an appetite for them anymore.

She didn’t like the way Leana chewed her food, loud and careless, or the way she slurped her drinks like she grew up with no one teaching her manners. Azzi chewed her food so pretty—if chewing could even be called pretty—with that bright, wide smile she always had when Paige surprised her with ice cream sundaes every Friday night.

Leana always wanted to eat out, and not even at good places. She was obsessed with Jimmy John’s. Paige was too, but only when she went with Azzi every other week after games. Paige couldn’t stand it. She missed how Azzi would insist they eat at home, complaining about how Paige didn’t eat healthy enough.

And God, Paige hated the way Leana fucked. She hated the way her tongue moved on her breasts, her stomach, and just her body. The way her small, slender fingers never hit the right spot, the way her kisses felt too wet, too desperate, too wrong. Leana always tasted like candy, but Paige didn’t even like that anymore. She liked when Azzi tasted like candy.

Because it was Azzi.

Leana was all wrong—her touch, her smell, her laugh, her everything. Paige didn’t like anything about her, not really. And the more she tried to forget Azzi with Leana, the more it became painfully clear.

She didn’t want Leana. She never did.

She wanted Azzi.

But Azzi didn’t want her, not like that. Not anymore. And Paige couldn’t admit it out loud, but she knew the truth.

She was in a tangled mess she doesn’t think she can cut herself out of.

The worst part was Paige only really showed Leana affection when other people were around—when the team was watching, or worse, when Paige knew Azzi was somewhere nearby. It was all for show. A charade. She wanted to convince everyone, herself included, that she was fine. That she didn’t think about Azzi day and night. That she didn’t spend every waking moment wishing things were different.

She faked a laugh at Leana’s terrible jokes, forcing herself to look interested, to act like she wasn’t distracted by the mere thought of Azzi. But she was. She always was.

Every time Leana touched her, Paige’s mind wandered to Azzi’s touch instead. Every time Leana spoke, Paige thought about Azzi’s voice, the way it softened whenever she called Paige’s name. Every time Leana kissed her, Paige found herself comparing it to Azzi’s kisses—how they tasted sweeter, felt deeper, left her breathless in ways Leana never could.

It didn’t matter how much Paige pretended. She wasn’t fooling anyone. Certainly not Azzi. Certainly not herself.

She was a fucked fool.

Present day (au)

The night was colder than Paige expected. The sharp winter air bit at her cheeks as she adjusted the duffel bag slung over her shoulder, glancing over at Azzi walking beside her. Her girlfriend’s hands were stuffed deep into her coat pockets, her brow furrowed in curiosity.

“You really aren’t gonna tell me where we’re going?” Azzi asked, her voice soft but laced with amusement.

Paige smirked, shaking her head. “Nope. You gotta trust me, princess.”

Azzi rolled her eyes, though the nickname softened her expression. “Last time you said that, we ended up at that hole-in-the-wall pizza spot where you made me eat that ‘experimental’ pineapple jalapeño pizza.”

Paige held her hand to her chest, feigning offense. “Okay, first of all, that pizza was fire, and you know it.”

Azzi gave her a side-eye, her lips twitching upward despite herself. “It made me throw up on your shoes but okay! Just hurry it’s cold.”

Paige rolled her eyes and grinned, nodding toward the gym as it came into view. Its towering doors stood shut, the building silent under the faint glow of campus lights.

Azzi frowned, glancing between Paige and the gym. “Uh, you do know the gym is closed, right?”

Paige pulled a key from her pocket, holding it up with a mischievous grin. “Not for me, it’s not. Perks of being a super senior and coach’s favorite.”

Azzi followed her inside, the smell of the gym familiar but the sight in front of her unexpected. The center court lights glowed softly, illuminating a small setup Paige had prepared: a picnic blanket, a thermos of hot cocoa, a container of chocolate-covered strawberries, and a jar of Nutella sitting neatly on top.

Azzi’s jaw dropped slightly. “Wait—is that Nutella and strawberries? Wow Paige, you really thought this through.”

Paige shrugged, trying to play it cool but clearly pleased with herself. “You’re the one who put me onto it. Said they’re ‘life-changing’ or whatever. Figured I’d return the favor.”

Azzi laughed, kneeling down on the blanket and picking up the jar of Nutella. “I didn’t just say they’re life-changing. I said they’re essential. There’s a difference.”

Paige chuckled, setting her duffel bag near the bleachers before grabbing a basketball. “Yeah, yeah. Now let’s see if you still got that jumper.”

For the next hour, they played like they were kids again—shooting around, teasing each other, laughing until their stomachs hurt. Paige couldn’t help but steal glances at Azzi, marveling at how at ease she looked, her usual focus replaced with unfiltered joy.

When they finally settled back on the blanket, Azzi leaned into Paige’s side, her head resting on her shoulder. She dipped a strawberry into the Nutella and popped it into her mouth, sighing contentedly.

“This is perfect,” Azzi said softly.

Paige smiled, her fingers tracing small circles on Azzi’s thigh. “Yeah. I figured we could use something like this. It’s been…a lot lately.”

Azzi tilted her head to look up at Paige, her brow creasing slightly. “What do you mean? You’ve been killing it this year, P.”

Paige hesitated, her fingers stilling. “Yeah, but…it’s weird, you know? Knowing this is my last year here. I’m really gonna miss this place.”

Azzi’s smile faltered, and she sat up a little straighter. “You don’t have to think about that yet, though.”

Paige raised an eyebrow, her lips quirking. “What about you? You’ve been quiet about what you’re gonna do. Are you staying another year or declaring?”

Azzi blinked, caught off guard. “I—” She stopped, her gaze dropping to the blanket. “I haven’t decided yet.”“I don’t know. It’s a big decision, and I don’t want to rush it. But…sometimes I think staying wouldn’t be so bad.”

Paige reached out, gently turning Azzi’s face toward her. “Hey,” she said softly. “We’ll figure it out, no matter what. You staying or going doesn’t change us, Az.”

Azzi’s throat bobbed as she swallowed, her eyes shining with uncertainty. “It’s just…a lot to think about.”

Paige’s expression softened, and she leaned in to press a kiss to Azzi’s temple. “I get it. Take your time. You don’t have to decide tonight.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, the gym’s stillness wrapping around them like a blanket. Finally, Paige broke the quiet, a playful grin tugging at her lips.

“So,” she said, glancing down at Azzi. “Am I still get my goodnight kiss tonight, or what?”

Azzi laughed, rolling her eyes. “You’re ridiculous, you ask this everytime” she teased, but her cheeks flushed pink.

Paige tilted her head, her grin widening. “That’s not a no.”

Azzi sighed dramatically, leaning forward to press a soft, lingering kiss to Paige’s lips. When she pulled back, Paige was grinning like she’d won a championship.

“See?” Paige said, leaning back against the blanket. “This is why I’m gonna miss UConn. Nobody does goodnight kisses like you.”

Azzi laughed, shaking her head. “You’re lucky you’re cute, because you’re so corny.”

Paige chuckled, pulling Azzi closer. For the first time in a while, she let herself just be present—with Azzi, with this moment, with this version of her senior year.

—

The gym was almost empty now, the faint echo of their laughter still hanging in the air. Paige knelt beside her duffel bag, tossing in her shoes and a few loose pieces of tape she’d peeled off her wrists. Azzi was a few feet away, waiting patiently for paige to finish.

The night had been everything Paige hoped for—light, easy, and full of the kind of love that made her forget, even for a moment, about everything weighing her down.

Azzi turned to Paige, her brown eyes sparkling even under the harsh fluorescent lights. “You okay?” she asked, tilting her head.

Paige zipped up her bag and stood, throwing it over her shoulder. “Yeah, I’m good,” she said with a small smile.

Azzi didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t push. Instead, she nodded toward the doors. “Come on, let’s get home, KK is blowing up my phone.”

They walked side by side, their footsteps echoing off the walls as they made their way to the exit. Paige glanced over at Azzi, watching the way her ponytail swayed with each step, the way she hummed softly under her breath. She was so beautiful, so effortlessly radiant, and Paige felt her chest tighten at the thought of everything she was keeping from her.

As they stepped outside, the cold air hit them immediately, their breath visible in the chilly night. Paige unlocked the car with a press of a button, and Azzi walked ahead, tossing her bag into the backseat before climbing in. Paige lingered for a moment, staring up at the stars as if they might hold the answers she was looking for.

“Paige?” Azzi called softly from inside the car.

Paige snapped out of her thoughts and climbed in, shutting the door behind her. The heater kicked on as she started the engine, and for a moment, they just sat there, the quiet hum of the car filling the space between them.

Paige had one hand on the wheel, the other resting casually on her thigh. Azzi sat in the passenger seat, her head turned slightly toward Paige as if she was studying her. The hum of the engine and the faint sound of the radio filled the space between them, but Paige’s thoughts were so loud they might as well have been screaming.

She’d done her best to stay in the moment tonight—to soak in Azzi’s laugh, her smile, the way her nose scrunched whenever Paige teased her. But as they neared campus, the weight in Paige’s chest grew heavier.

It wasn’t just about what she’d gotten a second chance at; it was what she’d lost the first time around.

Azzi broke the silence first. “Hey, you wanna just crash in my room tonight?” Her voice was soft, almost hypnotizing.

Paige glanced at her briefly before returning her eyes to the road. “Yeah,” she said, her voice just as quiet. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Azzi smiled, reaching out to give Paige’s arm a squeeze before settling back into her seat.

For the rest of the drive, Paige’s thoughts spiraled.

What if she could fix things?

The question had been haunting her since the moment she woke up in this second chance of a life. She could do so much—change so much—but every action had consequences. Good ones, bad ones. Ones she couldn’t even begin to predict.

Her grip on the steering wheel tightened.

And then there was the truth. The one thing she knew she could never fix, never change. The one thing that had already shattered Azzi once before.

Paige swallowed hard, her jaw clenching. She couldn’t think about that now. Not tonight. She needed to focus on the present—on Azzi, on the way her voice softened whenever she said Paige’s name, on the way her fingers always found Paige’s whenever they were walking side by side. Just focus on Azzi, just focus on pretending.

But was she really pretending? No. No, she wasn’t.

Paige knew she loved Azzi. Everyone did. She loved her so much it felt like it was tearing her apart from the inside out. She loved her enough to want to protect her, even if it meant keeping this secret. She loved her enough to die for her.

But loving her didn’t make what she was doing any less wrong.

By the time they reached Azzi’s dorm, Paige felt like she could barely breathe. Azzi didn’t seem to notice; she was already climbing out of the car, waiting for Paige to grab her things before leading the way inside.

When they reached Azzi’s room, Paige hesitated in the doorway, her duffel bag slung over her shoulder. Azzi turned to her, frowning slightly.

“You good?” she asked.

Paige forced a smile and nodded. “Yeah. Just tired, that’s all.”

Azzi’s frown deepened, but she didn’t press. Instead, she grabbed Paige’s hand and pulled her inside.

They moved through their usual routine with ease—Azzi handing Paige a pair of sweats, Paige tossing her hoodie onto the back of a chair, both of them brushing their teeth side by side in the small bathroom. But as they finally settled into Azzi’s bed, the silence between them felt heavier than before.

Paige lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling while Azzi curled up beside her, her head resting on Paige’s shoulder.

“You’ve been quiet,” Azzi murmured, her voice barely audible in the darkness.

Paige exhaled slowly, her fingers brushing through Azzi’s hair. “Just…thinking.”

“About what?”

Paige hesitated. She could feel the words bubbling up in her throat, threatening to spill out. But she couldn’t say them. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“Everything,” she said instead.

Azzi shifted, propping herself up on one elbow to look at Paige. “Hey,” she said softly, her fingers brushing against Paige’s cheek. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me. You know that, right?”

Paige closed her eyes, the weight in her chest almost unbearable. “I know,” she whispered.

Azzi’s thumb traced slow circles on Paige’s cheek. “You’re scaring me, P. What’s going on?”

Paige opened her eyes, her gaze locking with Azzi’s. And for a moment, she thought about telling her—about laying it all out there, no matter the consequences. But the thought of the look on Azzi’s face, the hurt in her eyes, stopped her cold.

“I’m just…I’m scared too,” Paige admitted, her voice trembling.

Azzi frowned, leaning closer. “Scared of what?”

Paige swallowed hard, her fingers tightening in Azzi’s hair. “Of losing this. Of messing it all up again.”

Azzi’s expression softened, and she leaned down to press a gentle kiss to Paige’s forehead. “You’re not gonna lose me, Paige. Not now, not ever.”

Paige closed her eyes, a single tear slipping down her cheek. “I hope you’re right,” she whispered. Oh, hope, hope was a beautiful thing.

Azzi pulled her closer, wrapping her arms around Paige as if she could hold her together. Paige buried her face in Azzi’s neck, her heart pounding in her chest.

She wanted to believe her. God, she wanted to believe her.

But deep down, she knew that as long as she kept this secret, the clock was ticking.

And she was terrified of what would happen when it finally ran out.

——

𐙚— rosie’s note: so how do we feel? do we love rosie ?? 😊

[fee224]

Mr snowman

Rafe cameron x overlooked!reader

Warnings: childhood trauma

Rafe arrived at half six, sharp. You had been coerced into inviting rafe Cameron for dinner with all your sisters, and parents on Friday. You assured him he didn’t have to come, if there was a party on or he didn’t want to, but he reassured you he would be there, which make your heart flutter all week despite hating family dinners.

You were in a dress, same as all the girls in your family as he strolled into the kitchen following your mother, with flowers for your mother, and you!

You felt silly clambering off the kitchen island stool and accepting his flowers and kiss on the forehead. He wasn’t your boyfriend, but you knew you weren’t his friend, you just had to hang in there with hope.

His eyes once taking in your outfit, chuckled at the sight of your fancy dress and Ugg mini slippers.

Your sisters came traipsing in shortly with each other or their children, boyfriends and husbands. Your mother gushing over each of them, and rafe to each one.

The boys were the first sat at the table, including rafe who had no trouble shooting the breeze. You cringed at yourself for actually being jealous.

Then your sisters while you wordlessly helped your mother set the table and bring the plates to the table until you were sat beside rafe, he turned around to give you a comforting smile before thanking your mother.

“Of course rafe! You’re welcome any time, you hear me!” Your parents continued as you forked peas.

Conversation was effortless for him, and you didn’t feel so special, he was naturally good at this stuff. He kept dragging you into the conversation just for you to stare at him and mutter a small “Yeah”.

You would think this was his family, the way he was desperately including you but the dirty looks coming your way from your brother in laws made you want to sink into the ground.

After everyone was finished, conversation continued. You sat, your vision shifting to outside the window, to your plate to your mother whenever she would speak. Rafes hand slipped onto your thigh and rubbed gently as some type of soother.

Then you helped your mother to wash and dry dishes, you told rafe it’s fine to go into the living room with everyone, you’ll be in after your done and he just stared at you trying to figure out the hidden meaning, there wasn’t one, you were simply uncomfortable.

“You complain y/n, but you never make the effort!” Your mother turned from the cabinet to give you a stern look as you frowned weakly into the bubbles in the sink. “Sorry, I don’t know how” you croaked, you truly had no excuse but you didn’t exactly expect sympathy.

The fire was roaring in the living room as you sat on the rug, next to rafes feet, where he sat on the end of the couch. Your niece was in your lap as you stroked through her hair, putting her to sleep slowly, she missed her nap today.

You weren’t paying attention to the conversation until you heard your name, your head springing up from across the room.

“Y/n, you remember mr snowman?” Shilah sipped her white white, on the arm of her long term boyfriend. Rafe nudged you with his foot, presuming it was a cute memory from when you were children. You returned the small smile back up at him.

“Yeah, s’all kinda blurry” your head bowed to focus harder on your nieces hair.

“Rafe! You have to hear this” Mandy snorted and nudged Campbell who looked entirely uncomfortable.

“Okay okay! Y/n is seven and hasn’t uttered a word, little on the slow side weren’t ya?” You couldn’t tell who was speaking, trying to drown it all out. Why were they telling him this. He’s going to leave.

“She used to run off into the woods behind our house whenever she’d cry, she’d come back with bruises all over her body and wouldn’t fucking show anyone because this mr snowman had healing touch” it was all true unfortunately. You had convinced yourself a snowman was real, was your friend, was magical, all so you didn’t have to show your parents your bruises, tell them your feelings.

“Everyone thought she was like messed up…. Like in the head. She had to go to special doctors and speech therapists” another voice added and you could feel the flame on your neck, cheeks, ears, feet, between your breasts and under your armpits.

You couldn’t look at him. You couldn’t see him and know he’s seeing the real you back.

“What a waste of money” a deep voice added “I mean don’t worry babe, we are loaded” and then a sound of a giggly kiss as you felt your dinner start to unravel.

As you stood up dizzly, all you noticed was rafes clenched fists as you excused your self.

“I need tuh-“ you breathed out heavily, stumbling out of the door.

Footsteps were following you as your knees dropped underneath you, elbows leaning on the toilet seat. A thick hand gathered all your hair and held a hand to your forehead, the cold pressure relieving your confusion.

“You’re good doll, my little darlings okay, hm.” You heaved at his words, tears streaming down your numb cold cheeks as you fell onto his lap, leaning against his chest on the tile floor as he stroked you kindly.

You focussed on the material of his jumper, the feeling of your legs touching, the sound of his voice, the words he was repeating as bible.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen, I just cause trouble” you mumbled, distressed, still only half conscious as he just responded in forehead kisses, and cheek kisses, temple kisses and tip of your nose kisses. You floated away. Meeting a slow void filled with hurt and love. You clung to rafe as he protected you from the voices inside your own head, and the ones outside, sleeping down the hall, or down the street.

“Doesn’t sound like you like talking hmm? You can talk to me y/n” his fingers were tracing your back. Leaving you dizzier and healing you in the same breath.

‘Please let me keep this one’ you silently prayed.

- fee xxx

[chenlezip]

tell your friends ♡

PAIRING : fratboy!haechan x reader

SUMMARY : you tell your friends you hate him but you can't get enough.

WARNINGS : smoker!reader + smoker!hyuck (my baddd), swearing, not proof read.. idk what else ngl.. >_<

A/N : literally just got this idea because im listening to music while writing and.. chase atlantic came on, heard that line and thought, hell yeah i know what i'm gonna write. also lil smau? idk? im also really craving a sex on the beach now.. *lets out a heavy sigh* beggars can’t be choosers..

might make a part two, who knows? let me know :3 i just wanted to post this and see how it goes .

and… here you are, stood outside a random club waiting for your friends to come meet you. you were clad in a cute jean mini skirt, a bralette with a small cardigan on and knee high boots; obviously paired with cute accessories and having your hair done nicely, what if you saw a cute boy? you had to be prepared.

as you waited, you had a look at all the people who were heading inside, they were dressed just as good. i guess this club is where all the attractive people go, huh? you thought to yourself before you noticed one man who looked oddly very familiar. fuck, it’s haechan.

haechan noticed you out the corner of his eye as he waited outside with a friend, smirking and nudging the boy beside him, eyeing your direction. the boy looked over and noticed you, he looked stunned almost, immediately turning back around to haechan and whispering. you wondered what they were talking about but before you could go over, you heard karina screaming your name.

“y/n! oh my god!” she smiled as she ran toward you, engulfing you into a tight hug. it’s been a while since you’ve all seen each other so it was nice to finally get to hang with your girls again. “i’ve missed you guys so much, ugh.. you all look so good!”

“as do you!! i can’t wait to get fucked up tonight, i’ve already pre booked a taxi so do nottt worry~ i’ve got us covered, it’ll be coming 2am so we should leave early just to make sure we get it alright,” giselle explained to you all as you nodded in return, “i can give you some money toward it when i’m not wasted - just let me know, okay?” you smile as she shook her head.

“no need y/n, it’s my treat, come on!” giselle dragged you and the girls inside, sitting in a booth and scouring through the drinks menu. “i don’t know what to get.. everything sounds good,” ningning mumbled as she looked at the rest of you, “anyone know what they’re getting?”

“i’m just gonna get a sex on the beach - always my go to,” you spoke up as you waited for the others to be done deciding. once you all were, you ordered and had them delivered to the table, thanking the waiter who brought them over.

──── ୨୧ ────

you excuse yourself from the girls for a moment, wanting some fresh air and to light up a cigarette. you were dying for one and the alcohol in your system wasn’t helping your case either. as soon as you stepped out the club, you felt the night air hitting you and you let out a soft sigh. the wind made you feel a little bit more sober. you spark up a cig and place it between your lips, inhaling and breathing in the smoke. oh, how you missed this.

“got a spare?” you recognise that voice from anywhere. you gaze up and see haechan standing just opposite you, a lazy grin on his face as he stared you up and down. you just give him the one you were just smoking and spark up another. “thanks.” he says as he leans against the wall beside you.

“no problem,” you respond coldly as you look away, trying to find anything other than him to look at but you can’t help your eyes from wandering back.. he looked good tonight. his floppy brown hair was slicked back nearly, his golden skin glistening under the street light that was outside the club, a leather jacket and his white shirt adorning his body. you swore to yourself the last time you saw haechan that you still hated him.. but he knows otherwise and deep inside, so do you.

“still claiming you hate me then?” he eyed you, turning to lean on his shoulder now. you cough, “what?” you didn’t expect him to ask you that out of the blue. “you tell your friends you hate me but i know you can’t get enough, y/n, you’re not very secretive with it, huh?” he blew smoke out into the air. you focused on the way his lips parted a little, his jaw.. his adam’s apple.

you shake your head, “you’re seeing things lee donghyuck, maybe you should see someone for these delusions?” he just laughed in your face and threw his (your) cigarette to the ground, “yeah.. maybe i should, huh? but i won’t if you come crawling back again tonight,” he says before stepping on it to put it out properly and walking back inside the club. you go on your phone after he’s left and quickly type something on twitter, posting it to your private account.

you decide to head back inside and you just can’t seem to get your mind off of him, your eyes wandering around the club to find him. you see he’s got a pretty girl slung around him, she’s pressing her body up against him. never mind, you definitely hate him, why were you even starting to like a frat boy anyway? hello?

[anchrblack]

masterlist | ao3

completed fics:

way to go, tiger | 20k | completed

christopher sees eddie with kim and panics, calling buck instead of his grandparents. eddie breaks down, buck learns his place in the diaz family, and christopher realises that he does have two dads. the three of them realise they've been home far longer than they've known. (the post s7 finale fix-it fic.)

the closest to heaven i'll ever be | 4k | completed

Their breaths sync, chest rising and falling in unison. Buck’s never felt like this, warm all the way to down to his bones. He’s sure they look ridiculously entwined, legs tangled and curled into each other with barely a few inches between them. Buck, with one hand running through Eddie’s hair and the other curled over his chest, and Eddie half-draped all over Buck, palm cupping the small of his back. It’s intimacy like Buck’s never known, not with any of his partners.

(buck has a panic attack. eddie's the one who finds him. )

i'll make this feel like home | 2k | completed

“You hate the loft. I hate the loft. Everyone hates the fucking loft, Buck. Move in with me already.” Eddie's cheeks are flushed a darling pink, his brown eyes sparkling.

(the one where buck has anxiety about his endless to-do list, and eddie asks him to move in. and oh, they’re in love.)

a golden tattoo | 1k | completed

for thousands of years, sailors have used polaris to find their way home. buck & eddie do the same.

when i'm all over your mouth | 2k | completed

the house is empty, and buck & eddie are ridiculously in love.

wips:

lovelorn (everybody knows) | 10k | 3/?

“I don’t think I’m made to be loved,” Buck mumbles sleepily. Eddie’s heart stops beating. “What?”

(one drunken confession has eddie spiralling to make sure buck knows just how loved he is. featuring a confused buck, christopher and jee-yun being the cousins of all time, and wine nights with karen and maddie.)

every thorn has its rose | 14k | 3/4

christopher calls eddie. a roadtrip, long overdue conversations with his mother, and a love that'll keep him safe through the dark. eddie's boys come home.

this bleeding heart | 10k | 2/?

the age old story about falling in love with your best friend.

[justkeepshippingg]

Cherry bomb Part 6: a Caitvi Hate fuck fanfic

She wants that goodness as deep inside of her as she can get. Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four // Part five The final chapter <3

The air is thick, hazy.

Vi grips either side of the small pedestal sink in front of her. She stares forward, her eyes unflinching, and meets Cait’s gaze. It’s just as hard and cool as hers. The only suggestion that she’s about to lose it is the way her crooked teeth sink down on her bottom lip. At the base of her spine, Vi feels Cait tilt her hips just a touch, pressing the strap to her skin. It’s cold, it’s silicone, it’s not Cait and she knows it, but fuck if Vi doesn’t feel like it is Cait, especially since it’s wet from all of Vi’s sucking.

She did a damned good job, if she says so herself.

Cait doesn’t touch Vi’s hips. Instead, she brings one hand to the side of the sink, around Vi’s body, her forearm just barely brushing Vi’s bare skin, and brings her other to Vi’s jaw. She presses, and Vi’s mouth falls open. They stare at each other in the mirror. The jagged cracks – the result of one of her drunken evenings, bite her, she’s not sorry about it, you’d also start punching random shit if your lesbian situationship imploded – reflect their faces right back at them. If Vi tilts her head, one Caitlin becomes a dozen. Sharp blue eyes, sharp glass. A thumb on her chin. A thumb at her lips. Vi opens her mouth and sucks. She hears Cait’s inhale and feels it against her neck: the suck of air. The suck of skin into waiting mouth. The press of Vi’s hips back, like, can we get on with this already?

Cait shakes her head, her dark hair a blue sheet as it falls over Vi’s shoulder. It’s longer than it used to be. How long had it been since their breakup? Vi’s so confused between her regular alcohol-fueled hallucinations of her hottest, cruelest ex and the jabs she’s taken right to the temple that she has no idea if it’s been weeks or months. It’s been enough time for her hair to grow, though. Vi’s own undercut could use a fresh shave.

Cait pops her thumb out of Vi’s mouth and brings it there, to the prickle of pink hair making a break from Vi’s scalp.

“Are you going to give me a shampoo, too, princess? Or are you going to hurry up and fuck me already?” Vi’s words are razor sharp, but it’s just because she’s desperate.

Cait clearly knows it. She just smiles and drops her head to the curve of Vi’s neck. Fuck she’s tall. She’s like this big, lanky, pale-skinned demon, perching on Vi’s shoulder and refusing to fuck her.

If she’s going to hang out with the ghost-demon-girl who broke her heart, the least Vi deserves is a few more orgasms.

“Fine,” Cait says. “But you have to earn it.” Her voice, soft and haughty. 

“What else do I need to do?” Vi goes to turn, but Cait’s hands refuse the motion, pinning her to the sink. Vi moans at the feel of the saliva-damp cock at her back. “Did I not make those long ass legs of yours shake enough already, commander?”

It’s Cait’s turn to moan. She sinks her forehead to Vi’s neck and inhales, exhales, pauses. She’s gathering herself.

And fuck it’s hot.

“Touch yourself,” Cait says, collected. Her chin returns to the crook of Vi’s neck. “Fuck yourself, and then I’ll fuck you.”

Vi feels a blush run hot from her cheeks to her tits. “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Cait returns. “You’ve been fucking women all over town. I know there’s no chance you weren’t one of them.” She risks a thrust against Vi’s ass, and Vi groans, the sound guttural and needy and a bit pathetic.

“Fuck. Cait,” she whines.

“After all,” Cait says. “I know they weren’t making you come the way you like. Only you can do that.” She pauses. She licks a thick line up the tattoos marking Vi’s shoulder, and the chill of her spit makes Vi shudder. “And me, of course.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Vi cusses.

“Am I wrong?” Cait offers a faux-offended look in the mirror. A dozen Caitlyns have the gall to look apologetic.

“You…” Vi feels it then: the brush of the head of the dildo at her opening. “Fuck.”

“Tell me the truth,” Cait says. “Were you coming courtesy of the women of the under city while you were really thinking about me?”

Memories: flashes of Cait intermingled with blondes and brunettes and dark haired women who were surely beautiful but impossible for Vi to really see with Cait’s face and body and the swish of her blue hair in that flirty ass ponytail impressed forever into her psyche. 

“Of course I was, Cupcake,” Vi pants. “As if you’ve ever not been in my brain. You’re this evil fucking demon girl I just can’t seem to get rid of.” She laughs, and it’s fake and mean. For some reason their first kiss pops up in her brain and she thinks of how sweet it was and can’t believe they’re the same women. “Maybe I need an exorcism.”

Cait’s eyes turn damp in the mirror. Vi considers turning around to comfort her, but changes her mind. She doesn’t deserve comfort. Neither of them do.

“Are you going to fuck yourself, Vi?” Cait says. “Or should I head back home, now?”

The thought of Cait triggers something harsh inside of Vi. She doesn’t want Cait to leave. She doesn’t want her to ever leave. Vi’s eyes comb over Cait’s body in the mirror, and then they pan around her bedroom. Sad. Empty. Trashy. The room of a trash human. The space of someone who hates themselves. She wants Cait. She wants Cait.

She doesn’t want Cait to go.

“Fuck,” Vi says, her hand lowering down her body, “you.” Her hand passes her abs, the thick happy trail of messy pink hair, and she can’t help the flinch. Cait’s eyes go wide. “I need you,” Vi says, hand pushing through her folds, “to know,” she cusses, three fingers over her clit now, “I hate you,” she says, her eyes locked on Cait’s and Cait’s eyes locked on her cunt. And then she can’t talk anymore, because she’s a little busy, alright? Her hand is a mess tangled in dripping wet pink curls.

She shoves at herself, hard.

Little circles aren’t her jam, sweet little circles have never gotten her there, no, she just needs hot, wet flesh to hump, to grind herself against something unmoving. Vi’s version of fucking herself is more like beating her own cunt up than it is giving herself something gentle and calming and loving. She pushes her cunt at her fist and thrusts, and as white light shoots out of her core, she hears Cait’s words falling at her ear, her lips wet on the curve of her neck, a “you’re so good” and a “fuck, Vi,” and a “you are so beautiful, what a very, very good boy” and other sweet crooning that makes Vi feel like she might cry before she comes, or maybe she’s about to come? Is she sweating or coming? Is she sweating or crying?

Who fucking knows.

All she knows is this: her thighs are aching and on fire and she’s humping the fuck out of her own fist while her evil ex girlfriend teases her asshole with a massive blue strap and she doesn’t want this to end, she doesn’t want Cait to stop, but then she hears “I’ve got you baby, I’m not going to stop,” and she isn’t sure what she’s said out loud and what she hasn’t, but she’s too locked in to care. Vi grunts and groans and feels Cait’s hand on her throat then and she says the word “fuck” probaby thirty times in various pitches and then that white light is hotter and brighter than it’s been in months and she’s coming, she’s coming, she’s coming and Cait is right there at her back, hot, solid flesh to support her and keep her from drowning in all of it, the feeling of opening up and baring it all for a woman she isn’t sure if she’s madly in love with or wants to beat the shit out of.

“Cait,” Vi cries. She is crying, then. Fuck. A sob rips through her throat.

“Violet,” Cait says, and Vi snaps.

“Do not comfort me,” she says. “Just,” she wipes at her eyes with fists. “Fuck me. You came here to fuck me, so fuck me.”

The thing about their love is that it isn’t going anywhere. The thing is, Vi will never forget the first time she saw Cait’s eyes flash at her. She is never going to forget the first time she saw her pull her top over her head and reveal herself. And it wasn’t just her incredible tits or her soft tummy or the way that a single glance at Cait’s naked body made Vi wetter than she’d ever been. It was that this person, Cait as a whole, was being naked, with her. Vi knows she’s not worth anything. There are days she really isn’t sure why she’s still here. There are days where the only touch she feels from another human is the feeling of a stranger’s nails pulling her head closer to their own cunt or a fist decking her in the ribcage. Some days, the only feelings she has are bad ones. Cruel ones. Words so spiteful she isn’t sure where they come from. Maybe inside of Vi there’s just a well of cruelty, a spot that once could have been love or something kind but instead is tarnished with years of violence birthed and blood pilled and bones snapped.

The worst part is that she knows Caitlyn knows it. Vi let someone know it, and then they left. And there’s nothing she can do about it.

But letting Cait fuck her… it feels a little like winning. Like getting something back. Like admitting that, yes, Vi might be a smudged pool of slime, but this woman, this glittering, golden princess from a place filled with people who won’t even look Vi in the eye, wants her. Wants to be deep inside of her. Maybe not emotionally anymore – but physically.

She wants that goodness as deep inside of her as she can get.

Cait meets her eyes in the mirror. Vi can read her mind, and she doesn’t want to. She can almost hear the I love you, I’m sorry in her mind. Vi wants it to go away. 

“If you don’t fuck me right now,” Vi says, “I’m going to scream.”

“If that’s what you need,” Cait says, “Who am I to deny you any longer?”

Vi widens her legs. She bends her knees. She shifts her hips up and back. And she waits, hole open and dripping, to be used, to be taken, to be filled with the shock of utter goodness her body can’t create on its own. 

A tease. A press. An ache. A thrust.

“Fuck,” Vi moans, at the same time Cait says, “Oh my god, Violet,” her words rolling on a cry.

Cait thrusts forward, Vi thrusts back, and they shudder, Vi trembling beneath Caitlyn. 

“You’re taking me so well,” Cait says. She presses kisses all over Vi’s undercut. “You must be so full, baby, are you so full?”

“Fuck, Cait,” Vi whines. She shifts her thick thighs into each other, but can’t get the friction she needs; her legs are too fucking drenched. 

“What do you need, my baby?” Caitlyn croons.

“Please,” Vi says. “Just fucking rail me.”

Cait doesn’t hesitate. She bends Vi over and plants one of her own feet at the edge of the sink. With the leverage, she’s able to pound harder into Vi, each press shoving her further and further inside of Vi. Vi isn’t sure how she even has more space for Cait to conquer, but she does it, carving out her very own home inside of Vi’s soaking entrance. 

“How’s this?” Cait says, and Vi can hear the fucking smile on her perfect princess lips. “How’s this for my handsome girl?” 

“That’s it,” Vi says. “Fuck. Fuck. FUCK, Cait.” 

The air is thick, hazy. Cait moans, pushing forward and pulling Vi back by her tits and her ass and the flesh of her hips. Vi is gone, her orgasm so feverish and unyielding that she thinks she might be dying. And if she is going to die, well, she knows what she wants to see. She opens her eyes, and her gray ones meet blue ones, and that’s all she needs to, finally, fall apart. 

[redlancey]

I hate people slandering Caitlyn for this because your telling me if someone killed your mother (breaking your family apart bc now ur dad is depressed and resentful and distant) (oh and now you have to carry the burden of being the face of your family’s house) (oh and ur only like 20) (OH and that someone was the deranged sister of your situation-ship who kidnapped you [and did god only knows what else while she had you tied up for hours] and you watched her shoot the missile) you WOULDN’T turmoil into rage and hurt and ache (because remember, you’re the new face of your family house, so you have to be strong in the face of this terrorist attack, and the only person who you feel comfortable enough with is the sister of the woman who KILLED YOUR MOTHER) and want revenge?! (Which, and I can’t stress this enough, it feels like you’ve been the victim of this deranged Zaunite for so long because you saw her steal one of the crystals, you almost got stranded in Zaun surrounded by shimmer addicts and almost kidnapped by Silco, finally found the criminal, lost her, then got returned to the bridge only for the sherif to hold you at gun point, then the criminal attacks AGAIN, then your situationship leaves you, THEN you get fucking KIDNAPPED from your shower by the woman, tied up for hours, gun held to your head, watched the woman kill Silco, tell your situationship to kill YOU, finally get a shot on the woman but you don’t take it, get knocked out, and when you finally wake up it’s to the image of the tower where your mother is getting a missile launched into it. THEN, while your still grieving and hurting, the memorial for your mother is attacked by more zaunites [even if it’s not the same woman, it still pushes the knife even deeper])

Idk. I don’t have a good relationship with my mother. But if I did, I’d probably go fucking crazy too.

But also, the same people who hate Caitlyn with a passion for her crimes are the same to launch into debates defending everything Jinx has done.

The whole point of the show is no one is right. Technically you can justify every characters actions. Morality is grey throughout the show, and it really illustrates how classism and poverty and privilege impacts everyone.

I love Ekko. I think he was within his right to be wary of Caitlyn. However, Caitlyn’s swat team specifically targeted Chem Barons (who, we see in one of the first sequences of the show started a gang war over trying to rise to the same power that Silco had, and these gang wars ravaged the undercity to the point of children [Isha, for example] living in fear and constantly in the run bc of the risk of being killed by these gangs) and Jinx. That’s it.

I will say, she does show her own dark side when she risks shooting Isha to kill Jinx, but I know that had she had killed Isha, she would’ve felt so much grief once her adrenaline had calmed down.

I saw people talking about this and one of my favourite arguments that someone (I forget who) made was something along the lines of: “Caitlyn assembled a small team of enforcers who were close to her and she trusted to follow her instructions, and perused the underground in a private investigation to find Jinx, shut down Shimmer (and any other chems, we can presume) and to “neutralize any agents still loyal to Silco” (the chem barons who are vying for the power gap Silco left). Meanwhile Ambessa was planning on declaring full on martial law (most likely what we see in act 2 and 3 after Caitlyn’s swat team failed and Ambessa manipulated her) which would’ve been devastating for the undercity, especially all of the innocents.

Caitlyn just wanted justice, but Ambessa wanted to conquer.”

While Ekkos argument makes sense, from his perspective, I will always defend Caitlyn till the day I die 🗣️🗣️💆🏻‍♀️💆🏻‍♀️

Thinking about how ekko is probably going to hate vi and caitlyn to the point he may never forgive them when he finds out what they did when looking for jinx

Because

Yeah

She proved him right

And vi did exactly what he was afraid of and helped.

[landlessbud]

got catcalled getting off my building’s elevator in my pajamas on my way to do laundry tonight

[inkskinned]

she's singing in another room and my dog is asleep at my feet. my grandma asked me why i haven't found a man yet and i laughed. oh, you know. i like my house clean.

my girlfriend is also my man is also "my partner" if i'm in a professional setting. yesterday we went to a ren faire and a man mimed at me - you're together? and at my delighted nod, his baffled, you're gay? made me laugh. a woman with rainbow hair said i love the two of you together. you're both so beautiful it's absurd.

my dad introduced my partner as my "..... friend. or whatever" the other day. he knows we're dating. in the same way, i was never able to get my sister's husband to stop saying that's gay like it's 2008. he still uses the word fa***t, and my sister's defense of him has always been well, he's just kidding.

my lover and i dance to old music in a tiny kitchen. we judge new music together and take food critique very seriously. we watch love is blind before we fall asleep and agree that if they had a queer season, it would be bloody but also make for excellent tv. of fucking course queer people would know someone for only 2 weeks and agree to get married. what are you saying.

at a bar with friends, a man puts his hand on my wrist. got a boyfriend? and yes, i do have a boyfriend, she's amazing. i am texting her while i wander around a gas station named after geese. i am visiting a swing state for a wedding. in the candy aisle i overhear: she's actually like a lesbian it's disgusting. two teenage girls with packaged sandwiches in their hands, giggling. no literally, like. i'm not, like. okay with her being there while we're all, like, naked and changing.

my girlfriend and i tailgate, drink gin and cider out of cups. from the frat group beside us, a man corrects himself with one of his friends: bro, i mean, nonbinary entity, and it makes everyone around him laugh, myself included. he razzes his friend the same way i would have killed for at 19 years old - like nothing happened, he continues: you apply sunscreen like an alien. he does a little sassy (and fairly accurate) dance interpretation of the motion. his friend is laughing so hard they're crying.

i am lucky, i live in a safe neighborhood in a safe state. my masc passenger princess comes up from DC. i drive her for an hour to where all the leaves are a violent arrangement of color. we walk along the trails, letting autumn into our blood. in this part of the state, there's a lot of pickup trucks and trump signs. when we chastely kiss before getting into the car, i accidentally make eye contact with a woman holding her child's wrist. she looks disgusted. she looks fucking pissed.

two hours later my girl and i are eating dinner on a patio, soaking in the last warmth of new england sun before the chill of winter sets in. we are giggling and trying to talk through plastic vampire teeth. at another table, i see a young woman sit up straighter. i watch her watch us. she blushes and takes her partner's hand from across the table. shy, like the taste of evening has just become something deeper.

it's worth it for this moment, i think. my lover is still humming the same song she's been singing for four days straight and i don't want to kill her for it. her guitar is beside my bed. her toothbrush is in my bathroom. in a few moments i will make us lunch. we are lucky enough to have found each other. it is lucky enough to be in love.

[bunnyboy-juice]

NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???

[deoidesign]

I met the me who made different choices

[zytes]

something’s wrong?

[occasional-owl]

Tragic how much effort the daily task of Being A Person takes

[outlying-hyppocrate]

well. did you fucking miss me.

[cubtales]

was just forced the thought of rough argenti down my throat i don't know how to feel . . o.O

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

this is a tiny pet peeve but i think its kinda odd that people seem to like. forget, or maybe just neglect to take into account, that yellow, for whatever reason (whether he's an alt universe john or a fresh piece of this universe's KIY that kayne went and ripped off) has ALSO been trapped in the dark world prior to being with arthur and has exactly as many Feelings about it. this is a very load bearing character trait imo

[alaskan-wallflower]

lowkey glad i got my wisdom teeth out now because im getting used to barely eating and i know once school starts im gonna have to start getting back in the rhythm of one meal a day because i don’t do lunch (vent in the tags mb)